When was the last time you went for a picnic?

We often wait for that time of the year, when we can go on a vacation. While our eyes are fixed on that far away time, we allow many opportunities, to have pure fun in the "here" and "now", to slip away.

Last Saturday, we went for a picnic, to a spot, just 100 KM, away from Mumbai.

Here is my experience:

Just to "be"*

I stood in the open air,

with the wind blowing in my hair,

I stared at the distant peaks,

while the warm sun rays, kissed my cheeks,

I was in the "here" and "now",

while I watched the lazy cow,

I saw my family, on the tree,

letting go their "child" totally free,

I had no planned goals to chase,

but just stand there and gaze,

I had no lit screens to stare,

but just, be there and be "aware",

I felt, it's so rare to be so free ,

and I was so free just to "be".


The experience was very rejuvenating.

When was the last time you set yourself free, just to "be".

*© Muralidharan Jayaram

Are you a camel? How much will you tolerate before you protest and act?

Many of us behave like camels. We wait for the last straw beyond which we cannot tolerate anymore. The big and important question we need to ask ourselves is, "How much tolerance is optimum tolerance?"

Different situations call for different levels of tolerance. Let's take some examples to drive home the point.

1. Colleague/Friend/children drinking and driving; Zero Tolerance


2. Employee cheating on an expense statement; Zero Tolerance


3. Your child lying to you; Zero tolerance


4. Employee under performing because she has a learning curve; A mutually agreed level of performance and a stipulated time elapse before your tolerance will go to zero.


5. An employee under performing because of an attitudinal problem; Mutually agreed performance level and clarification of your zero tolerance level.

There are many areas in our life we need to examine and think through to set our tolerance levels. While it is not realistic to have zero tolerance in all areas of our life, we, however, should be clear, in our minds, about our tolerance threshold.

Some sample areas to think through:

1. Disorganized house


2. Unplanned work


3. Our weight


4. The amount of sleep we get


5. The time lapse between our vacations


6. The amount we spend beyond our limits


7. The amount of time lapse before we prepare for an exam


8. The amount of time lapse before we submit our reports


9. The amount of project delay before we put our foot down


10. The number of customers lost before we re-look at our strategy

It is important to set standards of performance and determine our tolerance levels. It is my experience that the higher the standards we set for ourselves and others and lesser the tolerance levels we attribute to them, the more the chances we have that we perform at these high standards levels.

If you don't set standards and if you have not predetermined your tolerance level, you will, sooner or later, break your back because very soon, if not immediately, the last straw will be placed on your back.

I don't think you can go too far with a broken back.

Setting standards and tolerance levels for yourself and others will be one of the most fruitful activities you ever could undertake.

Now tell me how much will you tolerate the time lapse before you set standards and tolerance levels for various areas in your life?

How do you pack your day with experiences?

Our memories are made up of our day to day experiences in life. Some of these experiences come to us, on their own and some we create on our own, based on our choices; We can choose to stare at an excel sheet through out the day and come back home and further choose to stare at it, by working late night, to cite an extreme example.

What are the various option we have, in addition to our work at the office or at school or at home?

Here are a few of them:

1. Listen to music
2. Watch a movie
3. Draw
4. Write a story
5. Spend time with our family
6. Walk our dog
7. Exercise
8. Indulge in our hobby
9. Prepare a budget
10. Organize our house
11. Read a book

We need to pack in a variety of activities into our days and we need to do this consciously; For most of us, our day gets packed, by chance and not by our choice.

The best way to begin, is by listing all activities that we enjoy and all the activities that are useful for us. Once we have such a list, lets call it the "experience list" for want of another name, we can then plan an entire week filled with varied activities that give us fun and are useful to us.

Without such a plan we will tend to do the same activities again and again while we could have done something else that would have given us immense satisfaction or joy.

As of me, I am putting this idea to work on a priority basis.

What about you? Try it out!

You may have, at the most, an experience of a Lifetime or an experience of a "Life week", at the least.

Do you have the universal prerequisites in you that qualify you to be befriended?

What are the universal prerequisites we need to possess that would predetermine our success in winning true friends?

I can list a few of them here:

1. Trustworthiness
2. Honesty
3. Integrity
4. Caring
5. Kindness
6. Loyalty
7. Helpful
8. Good listener
9. Humility

We can keep adding to this list. These universal prerequisites operate in all the cultures. You need to have these prerequisites before you can be successful in winning and keeping friends for life.

Now compare this list with an another list:

1. Having common interests; I love photography so do you.
2. Wearing similar trendy clothes and fashionable dress; We like and wear fashionable and trendy clothes.
3. Having a status; My family is famous so is yours.
4. Being wealthy; I am rich so are you.
5. Being beautiful; I am beautiful so are you.
6. Having a common background; I am a geologist so are you.
7. Having a common educational background; I am a MBA so are you.
8. Belonging to the same hierarchy level; I am a CEO so are you.
9. Having a common language; I speak Hindi so do you.

It is my experience that people give more importance to the second list rather than the first one. We quickly classify people using the second list and give our verdict: He is not fit to be our friend;She is fit to be our friend.

Invariably, friendship based on the second list will cause us trouble and give us heartbreaks. It will also prevent us from having true friends because we brush aside people based on a superficial scan.

Be careful of the criteria you use for friendship. Just because you cannot find a common ground immediately with a person does not mean that person cannot be your friend. You can always find a common ground together, later.

This is true in friendship, as well as in marriage. What is required is to get the basic DNA in us right.

Our DNA strands need to be composed of the first list.

What about you? What kind of DNA strand do you possess?

The MAGIC 21 --- How are you doing with respect to your new year resolutions?

Today I am doing a concurrent critique*:

How am I doing with respect to my new year resolutions?

I am doing fine with respect to all my new year resolutions. It is a great feeling. I have crossed the first barrier to make these new year resolutions a habit because it is already, the magic, 21 days. It takes 21 days to to form a habit.

This is also a time to be more careful and not allow any complacency to set in.

What are my learnings so far?

1. Constant monitoring has led to this success
2. Results I got because of the resolution such as weight loss got me really motivated
3. Very big support of family to help me to keep the resolutions on track
4. Some of the resolutions are joint resolutions, hence it is important to have shared family resolutions along with your own resolutions

What about you? You too have reached the magic 21 today. How are you faring?

* Concurrent critique is a technique I learnt in "Grid - The Power to Change" workshop conducted by Grid International.

For more details on critique and Grid - visit their website: http://www.gridinternational.com/

How do you focus?

I have this tendencey to focus on a single task or area to the exclusion of others. There are advantages and disadvantages.

Advantages:

1. Task gets done quickly
2. Task gets done with a mark of excellence
3. I get lots of ideas because of my single minded focus
4. Once it is complete, I get a sense of satisfaction of completeness

Disadvantages:

1. Other tasks get neglected
2. Important tasks get delayed
3. Danger of missing out on urgent and important activities

The following disadvantages get magnified if it is a focus area rather than a single task and I get fascinated by it.

I have read all kinds of time management books and suggestions. None of them are complete in themselves;I think none of them will ever be.

The choices in front of every one of us are the following:

1. Single, exclusive, unplanned focus
2. Single, inclusive unplanned focus, (here you are alert to other tasks too)
3. Single, exclusive, planned focus
4. Single, inclusive, planned focus;leads to balance
5. Multiple, inclusive, unplanned focus-(here you are on a random multitasking mode)
6. Multiple, exclusive, planned focus-(here you are on a multitasking mode)

There must be a balance in focus in all areas of life. The focus must be planned, but not planned so much that we miss out on the opportunities that come to us at random or are unaware of the dangers that spring up suddenly.

How about you? How do you focus?

This is an important area for you to examine.

How do you fight complacency?

Every one of us gets complacent in one area of life or the other. Complacency can lead to failure and crisis.

Complacency is a function of seriousness and awareness.

Low seriousness and low awareness is the cause of many problems- I am not serious about my fitness and I am unaware of my weight, as I don't monitor it. I am also careless about the food I eat and I am unaware of the consequences of eating such food. I am in the Zone of the Complacent

Low seriousness and High awareness: As things deteriorate and I get overweight, I am aware of my condition, but I am still not serious about it. I let things happen to me and the result is, I am well on my way to obesity. I am in the Zone of the Paralyzed.

High seriousness and Low awareness: As people begin to make fun of me and I begin to feel the after effects of obesity, I decide to get serious and now want to reduce my weight. At this stage my awareness suddenly dips to a new low, as I do not know which exercise to choose from and how to exercise.

In the event, I choose to exercise after consulting a doctor, say going for a brisk walk, I may still fail to monitor my weight as weeks go by. I live in a Zone of Illusion, thinking that I am taking appropriate steps to reduce my weight, but actually I am not getting any results.

High seriousness and High awareness. I am now aware that I took exercise for granted and it is not yielding any results. I decide to continue exercising and begin to monitor my weight. I also begin to do some form of dieting. This brings me results! I am in the Zone of Results.

I am happy now but if I am not careful, I can go back to the complacency zone; I can feel content by my small progress and regain my weight back or as I continue to exercise, I suddenly realize that I am stagnating as no further weight reduction is happening. Now I need to get to the next level of seriousness and awareness, as I have to explore and learn new exercises and get more in depth knowledge of my diet options. The journey continues...

Once I reach my ideal weight, I need to get my seriousness and awareness to a whole new dimension in order to succeed to maintain that weight. I need to seriously consider changing my lifestyle for good.

The Complacency-Results Matrix* is a powerful matrix that can be applied to many areas of life.

Try it out and enjoy the great feeling of being in the results zone consistently.

*© Muralidharan jayaram

Is the world full of average people?

Last evening I went for a walk, as a part of my routine, to get some exercise. As I walked, I saw a group of people watching TV in an apartment. They were all glued to their TV set. This triggered a thought in me of how many people waste their time, in front of their television, watching meaningless programs.

As I thought more and more, my reflection bought me to a fundamental question: Is the world filled with average people?; I don't know, may be it is, but what I do know is what makes people average. Let me list for you some of the characteristics that could make you and I an average person:

"Average" portrait

You are average,
If you work only for your wage,

You are average,
If you don't get out of your cage,

You are average,
If you can't read beyond a page,

You are average,
If you pollute your mind with garbage,

You are average,
If you always fear the stage,

You are average,
If you can't control your rage,

You are average,
If you don't strive to be a sage,

You are average,
If you don't give life its due weight age,

You are average,
If you choose just to wait and age.*

I am sure we can add a lot more to the list. Being average is a choice many people make. Some people live their entire lives with that choice, a few others break out of the pack to reach the heights beyond their dreams.

It is important to be aware of this choice to be average, by examining our lives thoroughly. For most of us, the choice was made unconsciously. Examining this choice and changing it is an important internal work we need to do.

If we don't do this important internal work and change our choice, we will miss out on our opportunity to contribute meaningfully to this world we are living in.



*© Muralidharan Jayaram

Do you turn a prince into a frog?

We were shopping in a mall and I saw a couple, so lovingly, buying clothes for their children. The mall was filled with kids of different ages-infants to teenagers. Seeing all of them, I began to wonder what is in store for them, when they grow up.

I remember the time, when I left home at the age of 19 and went to another town for a job. In the first week itself, a customer behaved very rudely to me. I remember going back to my room, missing my home and parents and suddenly realizing how safe and filled with love my home was, in stark contrast with the crude and rude world outside.

All responsible parents raises their children with lots of love and care. Children are treated as princes and princesses and pampered with a balance of discipline. The result is they grow up with a lot of self-esteem and are ready to face the world.

However, there are parents who are irresponsible and raise their children as frogs, ill treating them. These children grow up with poor self-esteem and are poorly equipped to face the world.

When I meet people, I search for the prince or the frog hidden in them. Nowadays, I am more and more aware that the person in front of me is a result of the loving efforts of his parents. I am careful in my interactions with him because I don't want to turn this prince into a frog, by deriding him and lowering his self-esteem.

Similarly, I don't want to turn a frog into a tadpole, rather I would like to turn him into a prince, hopefully.

What about you? Do you turn princes into frogs often?

Think about it while you are interacting with the next person you meet after reading this post.

Look Ma no hands!

I was watching a kid go round and round on his cycle. Slowly, as he gained confidence, he screamed with joy, “Mummy, Mummy- Look!", for he had taken his hands off the handle of the cycle; He and the machine had become one. I am sure that this boy, like most of us, will continue to exhibit this behavior of trying to impress others for the rest of his life.

Right from childhood, we want to impress and gain approval of others who matter to us. As years go by, people get substituted or added while we pursue to meet our need for approval.

As you look back, you may be surprised, as I did, to observe that the list of people who you want to impress has changed over a period of time. Moreover, many of them are not there with you anymore, either they have moved away or you have.

However, there is one person who has always been with you and will always be with you; That person is no other than you. As I thought in these lines, I suddenly realized, how little effort I take, day in day out, to try to impress myself.

I decided to do the following:

Bring excellence in everything I do that will impress me first before anyone else is impressed

Dress in a manner that I look into the mirror and say Wow! before anyone else says WOW!

Put in every effort to contribute to others and say thank you before anyone else says thank you

What about you? When was the last time you did something in such a manner that you yourself were impressed, before anyone else was?

The more genuinely you try to impress yourself and succeed in wholesome areas of your life, the easier it will be for you to get others to say WOW! Even if they don’t appreciate what you have done, you still have the one person who will be at your side always that is you.

In this complex, high stress, multitasking world of today, you need first yourself by your side, more than anyone else; And impressing, gaining approval and confidence of this important person will be the primary determining factor for your success in all areas of your life.

How are you utilizing the resources you already possess?

How are you utilizing the resources you have? Have you explored them thouroughly?

I have a lot of gadgets which I am not utilizing to their fullest potential. My Palm Treo, I use it more as a phone and to store data, rather than as a full fledged digital assistant.

My Nikon D 80 SLR camera has many features I don't even understand, leave alone use. I have a TV and I find myself watching it at random, rather than exploring and watching meaningful programs. I have an Adobe photoshop software which I have still not used, not even once.

Recently, I asked my colleague to practice his presentation in front of his camcorder. He said, "Wow! that's a great idea and I wonder why it never occured to me" and I thought to myself that there are others too in the same "club" I am in and that made me feel slightly better.

If we really look around, we have a lot of resources which we can put to use, but we never do.

I have decided to examine each gadget, software, and any other resource I have and really ponder, as to, how I can utilize it to its fullest potential.

It is one thing to possess a resource, but totally another thing to utilize them to its fullest potential. Recently my daugther searched in her college library for hours for a Corporate Strategy book which we already had at home.

The decision to explore a resource, we possess fully and to utilize it to its fullest potential, in our defined context, can make a world of difference to our quality of life.

What about you? How well are you utilizing your resources?

How do you handle conflict?

Conflicts are inevitable in our daily lives. How many of us realize that our quality of life depends on the way we handle conflicts. There are many ways people handle conflict;

The common mistakes I observe, day in day out, are:

1. Do nothing-allow conflicts to pile up one above the other
2. Wait for the "last straw on the camel's back" and explode
3. Withdraw completely and give the silent treatment to the other person
4. Be unreasonable and unwilling to listen to the other's view point
5. Play the blame game
6. Crush and suppress the other person because you are taller or stronger or elder or you have some kind of authority on him/her
7. Say mean and hurtful things which you actually don't mean
8. Bottle up your hurt for hours, days, weeks, months, years or the entire lifetime
9. Not make the first move to resolve the conflict and wait for the other person to take the initiative
10. Show your anger on someone else
11. Try to solve the conflict in the heat of the moment, instead of waiting for more saner times
12. Labeling each other in a hurtful manner

It is important to handle conflict and resolve it at the earliest. Ability to bring the conflict out in the open, listen to each other deeply, with respect, acknowledge the mistakes on both sides, apologize and be willing to forget and forgive is crucial to having a good quality of life.

In case you are making any of the mistakes mentioned above, it is time to stop them now.

Invariably, your willingness to make the first move to reach out and resolve the conflict will be your first step towards resolving it.

Do you have someone with whom you have had a major conflict? Make that first move, be patient and invest in the process of conflict resolution, and try your best to resolve it.

You may be surprised by the results because in many cases the conflict may get resolved much quicker than you think.

Buy this book by Tim Ursiny and you will be able to handle conflict bravely. Here is the link to the book!

The Coward's Guide to Conflict: Empowering Solutions for Those Who Would Rather Run Than Fight

Do you send people to the "School of Hard Knocks"?

When a person consistently commits errors or exhibits attitudinal tantrums, or is disloyal to you and betrays you, what do you do with him/her?

It is very important to know your options and also to know how and when to use the various options. It is also important to understand which options are dysfunctional and should be avoided totally.

Let's examine the various options you have:

1. Plot to teach him/her a lesson
2. Pick up a fight
3. Critique
4. Send him/her to the "School of Hard Knocks"

Plotting against the person and finding ways and means to fix him/her, in such a manner that he/she will be shocked into learning a lesson, is a very dysfunctional approach. The pitfalls in this approach is that your plan may misfire or the lesson they will pick up will be the wrong one and, over and above all this, it could damage relationship permanently.

In this approach, you are playing games and this can trigger the other person responding in a similar fashion.

Picking up a fight, again is dysfunctional, as it may not achieve what you want and may worsen the situation.

The choice between the options critique (the best option) and the "School of hard knocks" depends on the situation, context and the amount of trust between you and the person involved.

You can use critique, if trust levels are high or after you build trust levels high enough;Here you will openly discuss about the dysfunctional behaviour and its impact on you and others and will negotiate an appropriate action plan with the person to help him/her avoid such a behaviour in the future; This is a problem solving approach.

What if, after all your interventions, the person still continues to err or he/she doesn't care enough to make an effort to change or he/she has character flaws and is duplicitous and opportunistic?

In such a situation you need to take steps to protect yourself/your colleagues/co workers/team members/ family/organization or anyone the person's behaviour may impact negatively; You can let go (for the time being?) and send him/her to the "School of Hard Knocks"

School of Hard Knocks is the most painful school in the world; This is where "students" are punished;This is where "students" go to suffer and learn, through experiences they have brought onto themselves, by the consequences of their behaviour. Experience is the best teacher and hopefully, they will learn.

While they are in the School of Hard knocks, you may choose to ease their pain, because you are compassionate, by being there for them or chose to completely ignore them.

The choice is, always, yours!

Do you critique or do you judge? Do you label people?

My wife and I decided to completely stop judging others for a period of one month, to start with. We also decided that we will monitor each other and make a funny, warning sound like "ehgnaaaaa!" when we spot each other judging anyone.

It is one thing to critique others so that they learn and totally another thing to judge others. Critique focuses on the behaviour and its impact which we need to identify and give feedback to the individual who originated that behaviour, provided the trust levels between that person and us are high.

Judging, however, is a totally different matter altogether. To judge a person, either silently or in private, or with that person himself/herself openly, is to label him/her permanently.

Labels are destructive. How often have I seen people label each other in a manner that many a times these labels last a lifetime and cause tremendous damage.

When was the last time you labeled a person? It is time now to take stock. What about your labels?

Reverse Networking

As I was sitting in my car today, I suddenly remembered an old boss of mine. Where is he now? What is he doing right now? How is he? I suddenly realized, I had no clue.

My mind went further down the timeline, in the past, and many images of people came to me. Amongst them were significant people who have had tremendous influence on me.

My kindergarten teacher, who taught me to tie my shoe laces, my chemistry teacher, who aroused my interest in behavioural science, my english teacher, whose classes, I used to cherish, another boss of mine, who had mentored and coached me, my dad's friend, who had taught me the importance of reading, all these people in small and big ways have made me the person who I am today. The list of people who influenced me can go on and on.

How many of them am I in touch with now? In the whole list of people, only four of them. Even the ones I am in touch with, the credit will go to my wife and not to me. She is the one, in our family, who always keeps in touch with people, a quality, I greatly admire in her.

It is sad that in my busy, single minded focus to achieve my goals and climb the ladder, I totally forgot, the very people who had played major roles, through their influence, to make me the person who I am today. A lot of my success, I have achieved today, I owe it to them. Alas! I don't even know where they are to say a thank you.

In this age of warped speed, with people pursuing their career/personal goals and networking with a purpose to further their own interests, I would strongly recommend reverse networking. I would recommend, tracking down every person who has had a positive influence on you, just to say thank you and show them that you care.

I don't know how many of those people I will be able to contact now, but I do know that even if I am able to contact a few of them and thank them, the experience and the benefit to me and to them will be priceless.

Henceforth, I have decided to note down and keep in touch with people who will influence me and network with them, purely from a point of view of showing them I care.

What about you? How many of the people who have influenced you are you in touch? How many of them did you say thank you? Think about it.

Try it! It may further change your life.

How are you faring with respect to your new year resolutions?

I am just doing a periodic critique here. I find myself fully in control, with respect to all of my new year resolutions. I wonder, why I didn't do these, very beneficial, things earlier.

I think the reasons for success are as follows:

• High degree of commitment


• High degree of self-discipline


• Intense desire to reach specific goals related to the resolutions


• Subordinating other activities, such as watching TV, to the new year resolutions


• Family support and encouragement

Am I committed because these are a new year resolutions? Can we manufacture commitment during other times of the year?

The key, above all, is to be ruthless with yourself till these resolutions become habits and take on a life of its own.

You cannot let go the plane till you cruise to an appropriate altitude. Once you reach the optimal altitude, you can, then, go on an auto pilot mode.

What is your experience so far?

Setting high standards

How much sub-standard performance will you tolerate before you make a protest? You will protest only if you have a standard in the first place. Tolerating poor/mediocre performance at work could be a clue that you do the same in other areas of life.

There are many areas in life where we need to set high standards, but we rarely do so.

We allow poor performance to continue till we cannot tolerate it anymore. We allow our house to get messy till we cannot tolerate it anymore. We allow a person to misbehave till we cannot stand it anymore. We allow ourselves to get stuck in a job that no more interests us till we cannot continue anymore.

Very few people think through the standards in different areas of life and set them for themselves. This is dangerous. Without preset standards, you will go through life, accepting trash, as it comes along.

It is time now, to draw the lines and set the standards in different areas of your life.

The quicker you do this, the better it is for you, your family, your co-workers and everyone else you may come across.

Common Mistakes

In every endeavour we do, there is ample scope for us to commit mistakes. Just because we have been doing a specific activity for years doesn't mean we have mastered it.

This is the observation, I made, when I witnessed the "mock presentation" of my colleague.

He committed the same blunders I have seen time and again in many presentation I have witnessed, over a period of years. What is more disconcerting, is that my colleague is not new to making presentations.

Why does this happen?

Every activity can be performed the right/effective way or the wrong/ineffective way. This is true for making presentations, surgical operations, raising children, gardening, exercising---.

Identifying and learning the correct way of doing something and being aware of the common mistakes, that are usually commited during such an activity, will help us to be effective and successful.

Scan through the various activities you do. How many of them have gone into an auto pilot mode with built in mistakes you are not even aware of.

My colleague had made that presentation after 3 hours of practice. However, his practice did not help him at all, as he had paid scant attention to what constitutes an effective presentation and what are the major pitfalls he must avoid while making a presentation.

If you perfect imperfection the end result is still imperfection.

You end up perfectly imperfect!

Laugh time schedule in your calendar

Last night we watched a funny movie. We laughed and laughed till there were tears in our eyes and our stomachs began to ache. OH! it felt so good. It is after a long time, I have laughed so much.

It is important to periodically have these kinds of laughs.

Planning to see fun movies, watching cartoons, and reading comics must become an integral part of our lives. We have to build these activities into our busy schedules, otherwise months/years may go by, and we would still have not laughed, the way we need to laugh, to stay healthy.

Have you scheduled a "laugh time" in your calendar? Try it out. It may prove to be one of the most productive activities you have ever scheduled

Outdoors

I recently made a surprising discovery. I am spending most of the time indoors, with very little or no activities outdoors. This is so, despite the weather being good most of the year. Analyzing a little further, made me realize the reasons for this imbalance:

1. Home-car-office-car-home- week in, week out, with no attempt to go outdoors, even after I get back home.


2. Too much time in front of the laptop, and TV .


3. Going to malls on weekends or movies, which are, again indoors.

How easily we fall into routines, without even realizing it.

I think spending outdoors will bring in a breath of fresh air and all of us definitely need that "breath of fresh air."

What about you? When was the last time you spent outdoors?

On the flip side, those who spend too much time outdoors, should ask themselves, when was the last time they spent indoors.

Ratatouille-What a movie!-Messages

I saw this great movie on the New Year's day. I think this is one of the best movies of Disney-Pixar. It is all about a lowly rat called Remy, who happens to have a great talent for cooking. In fact, he discovers this, when, he accidental watches one of the great chef's of France, talking on the TV about his book - Anyone can cook.

Remy is truly inspired---. He and his human friend set out on a journey of adventure in one of the finest hotels in Paris.The animation and the cartoon is so good, that you can even correlate the location in Paris depicted in the movie to the actual location of this great city.

However, what is more important is the theme and the moral of the story.

I found the following messages:

1. Go after your talents, even if you have to break your societal/familial norms.
2. Great talent will get noticed immediately
3. "Anyone can cook" can be changes to Anyone can paint/draw/sing/invent/lead/be rich/succeed/--- the list can go on an on.
4. The difference between good (cooking) and great (cooking) is the courage to try new ingredients in established recipes.
5. You can pull it off only if you are honest and have integrity.
6. Every critic, even the meanest one, has a child in him/her and appealing to the child is the key to win his accolade in addition to your excellence in the product or service.
7. Genius and talent can spring from any strata of the society.

It takes courage to go after a career, that, is aligned to your talent. This is a path taken by few. Your decision about this will determine whether you will have a mediocre life or attain star status.

What have you become?

Recently my wife and I listened to some old Hindi songs (Movie). These were the songs, I grew up with. It was a very nostalgic experience. We felt good.

It is good to look back, especially, in this time of the year. Listening to old songs brought me old memories. What was my state-of-mind those days as compared to my state-of-mind now? How have I changed? What good values or attitudes I held did I lose over a period of time?

Another good way is to look at your old photographs. How did you look then? How do you look now?

What have you become? Do you like it?

What areas must you introspect on the last day of the year?

Today is the last day of 2007. This is the best time to look at the year that is ending. However, this has to be done in a systematic manner.

What areas will you focus upon?

Physical

• What health enhancing activities did you do this year?
• What health deteriorating activities/habits did you acquire this year?

Mental

• What new knowledge did you acquire this year?
• What books did you read this year?
• How many books did you read completely this year?

Social

• How many new friends did you make this year?
• How many friends did you lose touch this year?
• How many friends do you have today?-current count
• How much time did you spend with them?
• How did you give back/contribute to the society?

Family

• How much time did you spend with your spouse this year?
• How much time did you spend with your children this year?
• How stronger is the bonding in you family this year?

Work/Business

• What new skills did you learn today?
• How many new contacts did you add to your network this year?
• How well did you perform this year?

Finance

• How is your bank balance?
• How is your debt?
• How much have you increased your earning to?
• What alternative sources of income did you add?

Spiritual

• How close are you to your spiritual goals?
• How much time did you spend in prayer, meditation, etc.
• How much time did you spend in helping others

Looking back, what would you have done better?

Looking back, what would you have avoided?

What action steps do I need to take and in which areas do I need to take them?

Being Arrogant and/or Judgemental

How do you look at people? Do you look at them with contempt or with a neutral outlook or with admiration? I have seen arrogance/contempt written all over their face, in many people, I have met.

"Contempt ---Neutral---Admiration" scale is a very useful scale.

Another scale that is very useful, is the one, that checks how judgemental you are.

"Arrogant---Neutral---Judgemental"

Some people are arrogant and some people are judgemental. However, if you are arrogant and judgemental, then you will be walking alone, all the way, through out life.

We need to be aware, how we affect others.

Maintaining Friendship

How many friends do you have right now? Is your lifestyle and job conducive to friendship.

As I look back, I find myself getting more and more alienated from all my friends. Having lived in different countries across continents and being in a very highly demanding job, I have found it difficult to maintain continuity with any friend. This was more because of my neglect than anything else.

In this crazy, high speed, multi-tasking, low attention span world, it is becoming more and more difficult to get good friends. What I have learnt is, that it is not only difficult to get good friends, but also to keep them. Friendship requires a lot of investment of time and attention.

I have decided today to revive my friendship with several of my old friends. With cell phones and internet shrinking the globe, there is no excuse for me, not to be in touch with my friends.

What about you? What are you waiting for? Make that call to a friend you have not spoken for in years.

I have a list of friends and I am going to call them.

Leadership must be earned

In every team you will find people who want to be leaders. However, very few people realize that leadership should be earned.

Few months back, I assigned few mini projects across my team members. Each mini project had a leader and a few team members, who will help the leader to complete the mini project. There were few projects, where the leader of one project was also a team member of another.

The results were very interesting:

There were few leaders who did a great job, while there were others who miserably failed. There was this one leader, who wanted to relinquish his leadership, as very few team members cooperated with him. He just couldn't move forward.

The lesson learnt out of this exercise were the following:

1. Leaders who failed, were invariably, poor team members, who did not cooperate in other leader's projects.
2. Leaders who failed were found to have a common trait-arrogance.
3. Leaders who did not make it, were the ones who had relationship issues and were not liked by many of the team members.

Learnings:

Leadership must be earned. Even if you are the appointed leader, you need to build trust for you amongst the team members. You may have all the authority in the world and fail to be a leader, while someone else may have no authority at all but may be the the unspoken, unnamed, and undisputed leader.

There are times, when we make the same mistake again and again. We wonder, why we falter despite our resolve never to get into that mess again.

Every mistakes we do spring from a web of dysfunctional habits. For example- not claiming the expenses of shipping your household stuff even after months of relocation because you lost the cargo invoice. Why did you lose the cargo invoice? It is because you are disorganized. Why are you disorganized, even though you have read a lot of books about organizing things? It is because you procrastinate. Why do you procrastinate?---.

Hence if you want to prevent a mistake, you may need to take action in multiple areas, not just resolve never to do that mistake again.

A complete post critique of what went wrong and which habits contributed to the mistake will be the first thing to do.

Based on the post critique, you need to develop an action plan to prevent the mistake once and for all. Please remember, you may need to look beyond yourself too, because the dysfunctional habits that contributed to the mistake may not lie with you alone.

I think the best person to start with is yourself.

In my experience, I have always hit "pay dirt" when I started with myself.

How much deep do you dive with respect to information? Do you collect information only to get by or do you make a full study?

There are many things in life that require deeper study and understanding. Many of us short cut the process. While it is not possible to know everything about everything, it is important to know everything about few of the things that are important in life. Let me give some examples:

Things you use daily-cellphone, digital assistant, home theatre, credit card, your bank and it's services, your DVD player---.

More examples-your companies incentive policy, your country's tax laws, health and fitness,---. The list can go on.

Many of us know a lot about few things. It is important to take stock. We need to ask this question frequently-What are the stuff in my life that needs complete or near complete information which if I have will give me a quantum leap in tapping its benefits?

It will be a good idea to develop a list. You may be surprised at the lack of your knowledge in specific areas and how it is impacting you.

Anything too much, for too long a time, is tiring, this is what I discovered today. It is so easy to have too much of the same thing for too long a time.

Too much work and no vacation. Too much study and no play. Too much play with no serious goal seeking activity. Too much stress with no relaxation. Too much silence with no meaningful conversations. Too much email with no meaningful work done. Too much of stimilui and no quiet time. The list can go on and on.

We take these excesses for granted, but life is about balance. The ill effects of such imbalances soon begin to take toll on our health, our wealth, our relationships,---.

For most of us, the danger is, we are not even aware, before it is too late.

The solution that comes to my mind is to take stock of these imbalances in one's life and begin to correct them. One imbalance at a time.

I will report back after a few posts on this important aspect of life.

How about you? Are you ready to take a similar stock of the imbalances in your life?

How do you know that you are in the right job? How do know you have chosen the right career for yourself? I have changed careers and enjoyed the process of relearning and doing things that excites me. However, if you ask me, whether I am tapping all my talents and potential, I would answer with a big "NO.".

I feel I have not explored, sufficiently. I can blame it on my teachers and my education, but I know, that will be a cowardly act.

May be I could have become a great painter or an archaeologist, or a tailor, or a sailor---.

The point I am driving at is, unless we explore, we will never get out of our blind spot. You may be a good CEO, but you could have become the world's greatest author.

I think the good news is we always have a choice to try different things. May be we will, suddenly, come to focus on some hidden talent that will take us to the stars status.

The key is the courage to try. The courage to choose.

You always have a choice.

How do you tell a subordinate to go? I told him to search for another job. I had tell him firmly, while being professional. Iron hand in velvet glove.

This was after all attempts to coach and mentor him and he showed no sign of improvement. I had an option to fire him, but chose the option to ask him to search for another job.

It is important as a leader to take tough decisions while being compassionate.

Step by step: Coach and mentor-Ask him to seach for another job-Ask him to resign-Fire him.

The decision depends on the situation and the person involved. Sometimes there is no other option other than firing immediately and sometimes you need to take a longer route.

What do you think?

This is the time of the year for new year resolutions. I made one on the christmas day itself. I soon found that I had already defaulted by the end of the day.

Unless we carefully plan how we are going to implement the resolution, it will usually fail. This is, specially, true for any resolution that affects lifestyle change-exercising, meditation, spending more time with the family, etc.

Following things needs to be done:

1. Remind yourself of the resolution constantly
2. Plan how you are going to implement it daily
3. Identify your habits that may be barriers to the new resolutions
4. Have a plan to overcome those barriers-renegotiation with yourself may be needed
5. Do a post-critique everyday on how you are faring with respect to the new year resolution
6. Take corrective measures immediately
7. Do not be a perfectionist-few slip ups are OK. Don't give up because of the slip ups.
8. Allow a months time for the new habit to set in
9. Expect resistance and disinterest in you initially. It is normal to have resistance.
10. Allow time before the fun begins.
11. Enjoy the fun and the feel good when it occurs. Nurture the fun and talk about it to others
12. Take the support of others to help you to build this new habit

I am going to try these out. In case you want to try them, please do so. If you are trying these please do share it with me. Your success story will definitely inspire me.

A person ,whom we know closely, refused to send his daughter to a Christmas party. The reason he gave us was, that, his daughter felt the people who hosted the party were rich and were getting differential treatment (Her uncle-father's brother- and family had stayed with the "rich folks" instead of coming to their house, directly, few weeks back.).

How do parents tell their children the difference in their economic status compared to their relatives and friends?

I feel this was a golden opportunity, that, this father missed. They were not poor. They were well of themselves. I think all of us will be relatively poor compared to some other person. Unless, of course, you are the world's richest man. Even if you are, still, you may be dethroned some day or the other.

Children should be taught that their self-esteem is independent of anything else. Their self-worth is a given, because they are unique and have the potential capacity to contribute in unique ways. Moreover, people who get differential treatment need not necessarily be bad themselves. These "rich folks" in question are very nice folks. It is also important to teach children not to differentiate people based on status, wealth, etc.

This incident reveals another very important point. Every parent needs to process the events, positive and negative, openly, with their children. They should not leave it to the child to process it on her/his own. This is one of the best ways to inculcate sound values.

However, to do this there needs to be a lot of internal work and thinking through by parents themselves, in addition to developing a shared set of sound core values.

What do you think?

I got a call from a long lost relative. I use to hate him right from childhood, purely because he was self-centered and selfish. He treated my parents with disrespect and never took responsiblity of his near and dear ones. He always shirked his responsibility and my parents had to offer support and fill the gap.

My mother used to advice me to forget and forgive. Somehow, I could never do it.

He called today for his needs. I found myself talking to him with respect and compassion. I felt good having talked to him. I also felt strange. Where is my anger and hatred?

Did I forgive him because I forgot? I spoke to him after 25 years. I don't know.

May be time erases everything. May be I followed my mother's advice. I don't know, but I do know that it felt far, far better than nurturing the hatred and anger.

I think we need to be compassionate and forgive others totally and let time do its work of erasing the hurt. If you forgive time may erase it quicker.

What do you think?

What do you do when all your attempts to correct a subordinate fails? You have given him sufficient time and now you have to take a decision and ask him to resign.

What will you further do, when he suddenly, also begins to exhibit disloyalty? There are times when you have to be ruthless as a leader. If you are not ruthless, it will confuse your other team members working for you.

During these times, you also need to communicate about this wayward team member to the others in your team. If you do not communicate, the only message they may get will be from that wayward employee. What he will tell about you and the situation will not be the one corresponding to reality.

A basket of apples is good one apple at a time. It is said, that even one spoilt apple can gradually spoil all other apples.

This true for us, humans, too. The only difference is, we have a choice not to get spoilt, eventhough, many of us are not even aware of such a choice. To take this observation further, we not only have a choice not to get spoilt, we also have a choice to "change the spoilt apple" to speak metaphorically.

Alas! Many of us are not even aware of this important truth and even if we are aware, many of us do not act based on this truth. We give into group norms.

You always have a choice!!!

Today, my daughter narrated to me something that happened in her college. They ridiculed her for buying or taking a stand to buy only original software, music, movies, books etc. She said, "Dad! Our family is a minority in the context of being very ethical and value based in buying only original versions of anything.".

As a family principle, we have always bought only original stuff and refused, completly, to buy or download, any pirated version of anything. This has been our way of life.

It is important for families to think through deeply and act on wholesome values that are based on eternal principles of honesty and integrity. As we scanned our families and friends list in the context of their stand on piracy, it was sad to note, that many of them bought pirated versions of music/movies or downloaded them. We found one family that bought only original stuff, but when we analyzed a little deeper, it was more, because they considered themselves well off and to buy any pirated version was below their status, rather than they being aligned to any well thought out principle of honesty and integrity.

This small conversation threw light on following points:

1. You cannot be dishonest in one department in life and be honest in other areas.
2. The best way to teach children is to role model and be the principle you want to teach them.
3. Rolemodeling of wholesome principles will hardwire them in your children, in such a manner, that these principles will guide them to decide and to act in honest ways, even when the peer pressure and other forces try to tempt them to act in the dishonest manner.

I am sure there are lots of families like us. My daughter told our family is a minority based on her experience in her small teenage universe.

What do you think? Are honest people and families a minority in todays world? I hope not.

The more you pamper your children with love and kindness, the more you build their trust in you. This gives you the freedom to be stern and firm when it is required.

It is important they have a paradigm that they are valued and loved. Without such a paradigm and foundation of trust no critique can get through.

It is important to ask "what if?" question and break the routines that get set in our lives. For the pasr few months we were visiting a Mall frequently, however, yesterday we went to a different mall far away from where we live. We could make totally different kinds of purchases.

It is important you ask the "what if?" question to different areas of your life periodically. What if I go after this new career? What if we go to this new vacation plave? What if I start this new hobby? ---.

What do you think? When was the last time you asked the "What if?" question? For many of us it will be way back in time. Try it!

My daughter and I were travelling together in her car. We always sit in the rear seat and we use this opportunity to have long conversations as our chauffeur negotiates the car through the thick Mumbai traffic. I was on my way to my office and she to her college.

As we spoke, I suddenly told her of a specific personal productivity problem I am currently facing and asked her to develop a solution by end of today. I told her she is my consultant and she needs to give me advice. She took the assignment pretty seriously and came up with a brilliant solution. I am so proud of her.

I learnt the following from this experience:

1. Children are great problem solvers. They are very creative.
2. Involving them teaches them that every problem has a solution and they need to think it through.
3. The parent child bonding is rapidly enhanced
4. Parents can get very creative solutions which they would have never even thought about.

Moreover if you implement their solution and demonstrate success to them, they will truly develop immense self-esteem and have confidence to solve problems.

Children should be involved, wherever possible, in developing solutions to common family problems along with the parents. This will come a long way for strengthening family bonding and creatively solving problems together.

A colleague of mine came back, today, after successfully finishing a project. He came to me and started narrating to me the various victories he had won while implementing the project. I could see him, right in front of me, so happy and confident. It was his first project.

The person in front of me, today, was a stark contrast to the person he was, before he went to the project. I changed, completly changed, my opinion of him and I firmly, now, believe he will be a great asset to my team.

I learnt several lessons from this experience:

1. Never lose faith in the potential of your followers
2. Groom them with the hope they will perform
3. Take time to form conclusions of people by giving them a chance to perform
4. Most important, people need that initial success to build confidence in themselves

How quickly we judge people and form opinions. We need to nurture them and believe in their potential. This is true in work, as well as, in families, especially, while dealing with children. I have seen parents, teachers, bossess, peers label people and these labels stick to them for their entire lives. Some of these labels are destructive and can cause a lot of harm.

Do you have labels stuck to you? It is time to examine them.

A colleague of mine just made a business presentation. It was average. How is it that people stay unprepared? You need to be prepared all the time. This is a great competitive advantage. Just like a great musician may be called to perform suddenly and she gives a brilliant performance, similarly in every walk of life one needs to be prepared-always prepared. A student for a test, a doctor for a surgery, a business man for a presentation, a pilot for a take off, a soldier for a combat, an employee for a promotion, --- the list can go on and on.

The difference between mediocrity and excellence is preparedness, because when you are called to perform you have no time for anything else.

Sometimes when you are sincere and nice to people they back stab you. Your kindness, compassion, and desire to improve the person professionally and personally will be interpreted as weakness.

A leader can tolerate everything except dishonesty and disloyalty. In such a situation, he has to take the iron hand out of his velvet glove and act. It is then time to remove that person from the team, division, company, or country.

What do you think---?

It is important to have different alternative sources of income. Becoming financially independent is a goal that needs to be set in childhood. How many of us as parents help our children to set this goal.

It is not surprising at all if your child emulates you and ends up in the same financial status as you are in-positive or negative.

The best way to teach a child is through role-modeling.

I have this tendency to go to important events unprepared. This springs from a sense of overconfidence. Then, invariably, while the event is unfolding, I wish I had gone there better prepared.

It is important to prepare oneself fully for important events in life. Doing a pre-critique is crucial and will go a long way in preparing yourself for important turning points in your life.

Does that mean that you need to be prepared for each and every event? Not at all! However, you definitely need to know which are the crucial ones you will need thorough preperation.

A FPL is important and should be drawn out periodically. What is a FPL? It is nothing but a "Fully Prepared" List which needs to be fully prepared.

How much planning needs to go into a day? Am I doing things that really matter? How do I determine what those important things are?

How many of us like planning? What impact does planning have on our personality type? What impact does our personality type have over our planning? Can all personality types plan effectively? Can all personality types enjoy planning?
These are profound questions, that needs to be answered. We need to negotiate with ourselves about the task of planning.

Without planning everything tends to move towards chaos. However, there needs to be some form of chance or serendepity to come to play, periodically, to shake us out of the rut we fall into.

Effective life is finding a balance between planning and random chance/serendipity. For those who enjoy planning, they need to learn to enjoy chance and randomness and those who enjoy flexibility, randomness and serendipity, they need to learn to enjoy planning. It is not "either -or". It is "and".

I recently was interviewing a group of fresh MBAs to take them as Management Trainees in our organization. These MBAs hailed from a premier business school. As I interviewd them, one by one, it suddenly dawned upon me, how ill prepared these candidates were. In fact, that interview day was one of the most important days in their lives.

Life brings us to these important days, periodically. How we fair and excell on these days depend on how well we have been preparing for them. For many of these important days, which are actually turning points, the preparation required may be a lifetime.

These students were trying to shortcut the process. An Olympic Gold Medal is won only by years of practice. For a short marothon run you may need to invest days, months, and years of effort. Think about it---

How many of us have a talent inventory of ourselves? We need to constantly check what our talents are and also take stock of which ones we are using effectively.

Using our talents effectively will help us to forge ahead and live a fun filled life.

Why run on land when you have hidden wings by which you can fly high?

How many of us give sufficient time for ourselves. To be alone for a few hours and look back at life can have therapeutic effect. Otherwise, what happens is we react from one situation to another, with no time even to think. With email, cell phone, pagers, RSS, TV, Radio, Video Games, IM, and people to distract us and keep us engaged, we end up alienating ourselves.

We need to establish relationship with ourselves first before we can have meaningful relationship with others.

So, get to quiet place, be alone and say "Hello" to yourself. Do you recognize yourself? What have you become? Are you the same? Try it and share your experience with others

Why do people take short cuts? It is risky and dangerous. It is one thing to take short cuts on a key board and totally another thing to take short cuts in life. In fact, short cuts are very contextual in nature and may do harm or good depending on the nature of the situation.

In this age of instant gratification people treat their lives as if it was a key board. Parents use the control & shift key too often with their children leaving them confused and bewildered.

People use short cuts to enhance their relationships with others. They portray a false image of themselves and try to win admiration from people who matter to them. However, people see through the facade quickly and the end result is that they lose their respect as quickly as they won it.

It is very important to be aware when we can take short cuts and when we need to pay the price by our effort.

It is amazing how perseverance can dissolve obstacles and get things done. I just completed a task that I was postponing for quite a long time. It was unpleasent and I was avoiding it.

I was using other tasks as distractions or excuses to avoid this one. Today I set aside time, and returned back to the task when ever I was interrupted and determined not to leave the office till I completed it.

Looking back, it was not as bad as I imagined it to be. Most of the obstacles are in our minds and we create them.

What do you think?

Where does your self-esteem come from? For some people it comes from their title, for some from the organization they work for or for some the family or nation they belong to.

More your self-esteem is tied to some thing external, the more vulnerable you are. Self-esteem should come from a strong character base which springs from a stream of wholesome values. Self-esteem should be based more on one's own contribution in different areas of life, more than anything else.

How many of us get stuck in a rut. Some people are not even aware that they are in a rut. Even small steps towards new pathways can change our perspective and give us a breath of fresh air we all need ---

What steps ahve you taken to explore new frontiers? When did you last find a new way to drive to your office? When did you buy a new magazine you have never laid hands upon before? When did you eat in a totally new restaurant?

Whatever you start you need to follow through. This is one area I need improvement, especially when I start multiple things and finally get lost. I am exploring different ways to stay focused and will report here.

What are the techniques to stay focused? If you as a reader know special ways to stay focused, please do share.

What do you do when people lie to you? or tell you half-truths? In such cases it is very important to study facts and inquire completly. This is very important , especially, when other people are involved.

It is one thing to trust and let go, it is a totally different thing to abdicate. Sometimes I trust people too much and take it as a given that they are performing and all is well with them and who they are serving. Many a times I interpret no news as good news. I think this approach to leadership is very dangerous. Trust but verify from all quarters---

If you want to change a habit, you must also examine an ecology of other habits feeding into or supporting/hindering the one you want to change. For example-not exercising may be linked to watching TV, getting up late, sleeping late, overeating, no true recreation --- the list could go on.

Eliciting these interlinked habits and creating a new ecology will be needed to support the new habit in the long term. One cannot start too big nor can one start too small. What is important is addressing the key ones to bring about change.

When a husband and wife fights in front of everyone it is a sad spectacle to watch. The blame game that triggered this fight (misplaced air tickets) is perhaps the tip of the iceberg. It is very important to resolve conflicts in the real time rather than wait for it to accumulate.

In the absence of conflict resolution the dart board gets bigger and bigger along with the number of darts you have with you to use against each other.

I wonder how they will be feeling now, with continents seperating them, litterally and figuratively ---

Some people switch their behaviour depending on the type of person they meet. This is what I was observing in my colleague and thus gave him critique about it. This springs from an opportunistic leadership style.

Such people are rarely liked. They are abrasive with a lot of people they meet and selectively very nice to some. They use differential treatment to get along and progress in life. However, little do they realize that they cannot go too far.

However far they may go in life, in variably they will find themselves alone with no one to cheer and clap for them.

Today, I reacted to a behaviour from another person, totally, in a different manner, as I would have reacted to the same behaviour a year back. Perhaps, I changed the way I looked at the behaviour and forgot to tell the person who initiated it. This resulted in a lot of surprise and diasappointment for both of us. I heard comments like"This is not you"

I had to explain myself and try to talk myself out of the behaviour, which was not very effective.

What I learnt is that one needs to examine one's way of looking at various things periodically. All of us change, most of us, silently, and we often forget to communicate to other people around us. Communicating upront to people around us will save us all a lot of unpleasent surprises.

In throwing a dinner, as well as, in delivering in other areas of life, it is better to set low expectations or no expectations and deliver a very delightful experience rather than setting high expectations and delivering. Sometimes the expectations you intent to set may not be the ones formed in the minds of the recipient.

You may run into the danger of disappointing people because of the mismatch of what you set and what was formed in their minds

Habits are formed gradually---. A house gets disorganized gradually---. You get overweight gradually---. Eventhough this is the truth most of us want instant change. A positive change too happens gradually. How about daily, gradual approach to multiple, pre-determined change

Technorati Profile

Life is a maze.Some barriers and pathways are set at your birth and some by your upbringing and circumstances. However, most of the pathways and barriers have been built by you, mostly unconsciously.

Every decision you make, small or large, builds pathways and/or barriers. You are now caught in the maze and it is up to you to find a way to where you want to be.

How happy are you with other's success? I think it is one of the key parameters that give you a clue to what kind of person you are.

If you don't use your skills and knowledge to your full potential, people with lesser skills and knowledge will get ahead of you. Think about it.

Trying things that you have never tried before is what makes life fun and interesting. We get stuck in routines. Same route to office, same kinds of clothes, same food, same way of earning a living--- we get in to a "shame same" mode and fall into a rut. Let me try to do one new thing a week to start with. Try this idea out and share it with others

Another week over. What did I accomplish? Progress is slow. Let me try weekly goals instead of weakly goals for a change. I think I will restrict myself to three major goals I want to achieve this coming week. I will report next Saturday...

Some days you really get upset. Especially with people whom you don't like. You may then consciously or unconsciously try to fix them or nail them. You may begin to view past events and give them a new color. You may then want to take action to fix this person. In these times it is better to pause--- study the matter more carefully and then take action. If you fail to do so then your actions may boomerang on to you --- think about it

I recently discovered that I have paternistic tendencies. I quickly changed myself to 9,9 in that situation(resignation)

Never let anyone threaten a consequence like quitting the job. If someone does it ask them to quit.