Do you wear a mask? Does the mask you wear paint an illusion of yourself even to you?

Recently I went for a series of meetings with other leaders. As usual in such meetings, some of the leaders were excellent, professional, and more than anything else, very sincere. Their words matched their body language; Many of the leaders present there, I knew them personally.

There were also leaders whose words did not match their body language nor did their behaviour.

I have seen this happen time and again. People portray a false image of themselves to the world outside;especially leaders, they wear a mask of professional leadership and spew out well rehearsed jargons about being proactive, being open to criticism, being collaborative, being kind and showing false concern for their subordinates.

The problem of wearing a mask and putting on a make up on it produces only transient effect; In the heat of the moment, the masks and the make up melt down rapidly and the leaders are exposed as they are.

It is possible to fool people for sometime, but not forever. A leader may think that his people are getting caught in the web of his illusion and he may actually succeed for a while, but not for too long.

Circumstances and events will destroy that illusion and suddenly everything about the leader will become crystal clear to everyone.

What is more dangerous is that the leader himself getting illusioned by his mask and make up. He may come to believe that he is truly all that he portrays to the world and much more, while he is the stark opposite of the play act.

To speak metaphorically, it is a situation where the actor who acts out the role of the Great Emperor Akbar thinking that he is Akbar himself.

Do you wear masks? Are you spinning an illusion around you? Are you getting illusioned by your own play act?
These are hard questions to ask yourself. It takes courage to unmask yourself and see yourself as you are.

You need courage to strip the mask you are wearing and the compassion to look at yourself as you are; For this is the first step to change the inner forces that are making you an "ugly" person.

If you want to be a true leader be one; It takes a lot of inner work to accomplish that.

Which are the areas in your life where you need to do in depth study?

One cannot know everything about everything. However, there are certain things in our lives that we need to know in depth. Let me give you a sample list to illustrate my point.

List:

1. Matters related to your profession-professional knowledge, trends in your profession --
2. Matters related to the company you work for-policies, competitors, markets, industry trends---
3. Matters related to the various laws of your country - tax laws
4. Matters related to your hobbies
5. Matters related to your education
6. Matters related to your physical fitness
7. Matters related to your child's education

The list can go on.

If you draw up a list you may have very different elements depending on your life's context. You may also find similar elements to the above list, as some of the elements are universal.

Your need to have in depth knowledge in each of these areas will depend on the various situations in your life and the various roles you play. These lists may change as you live your life.

It is important to draw up this list and identify the areas in your life that currently needs in depth study. It is also important to monitor and check this list periodically as many new elements may be added.

Draw up this list immediately! You may be surprised that there are many important elements you need to have in depth knowledge, but have scant knowledge about them.

Your ignorance may be causing you lots of trouble right now or may be building up a potential for trouble for you in the future.

What is the worth of a man? What characteristics do you have in mind while you decide the worth?

Different people have different yardsticks to measure the worth of a man. I am listing some of the common parameters below:

1. Good grooming
2. Good manners
3. Wealth
4. Educational qualifications
5. Social position
6. Power or capacity to wield power
7. Friends
8. City dweller
9. Country they are coming from

It is very important to be aware of the parameters you have in your mind. These criteria might have been developed by yourself or you might have been programmed to use these criteria during your upbringing.

The only criteria for measuring the worth of a person is what is stated below:

He or she is a human being

We quickly judge people by all kinds of invisible yardsticks. The measurement we come up with may interfere with the way we treat them.

We may loose a chance to befriend a true, good person, just because they do not meet the preset criteria in our minds.

The danger is that all this happens, for many of us, unconsciously.

What yardsticks do you use?

Do you make the decision timeline work for you?

Every decision has a decision timeline. There are points on in this timeline that will determine whether we are successful or not.
Please refer to the figure while you read this. Here we have taken as a given that the decision is right and the quality of the decision is good

1. Pre-optimal point-this is a point when we take the decision and act too early. This is ok for some type of decisions, but may be disfunctional for others. Moreover, this decision and the subsequent action may eat into other decisions that should have been taken instead of this decision at the pre-optimal point.


2. Optimal point-This is the right point for that specific decision when taken and acted upon will give us sufficient time and put timliness in our favour. Decisions taken at the optimal point on the decision timeline will enhance the chances of our success


3. Sub-optimal point- This is that point in the decision timeline that will give us less time to act and the quality of our action will be slipshod. We will increase the chance of our failure or perform much below our potential if we continue to act on this point.


4. Failure point-This is that point on the decision timeline where we have missed the bus and we will fail.

Different types of decision will have different decision timelines. For every decision we take, we need to determine the optimal decision point and take the decision and act accordingly. This will help us to take our good quality decisions to success.

Example: You are a student. You want to compete and score high in the GMAT test. The test is one year away. Your optimal decision point for various components of the GMAT test will be different.

For example, you may need to take a decision to start practicing numerical ability tests 6 months prior to the test, as your skills are lower in this area, while other areas may need less number of months.

Numerical Ability test:

Pre-optimal point- 2 years (too early and your practice may not be consistent and the pattern of the test may change)

Optimal point - 6 months

Sub-optimal point - 2 months

Failure point - 1 month

This concept is so simple but it is so violated by a large number of people.

How do you handle the decision timelines for various decisions in your life?

This is a very important question to ponder over.

Do write your comments after using this concept.

What you need to keep in mind before you make a presentation to a client?

I am a consultant. I make lots of presentations to clients all across the world.

Please find below tthe checklist I have prepared to make my presentation effective:

1. Have a detailed talk with the people who invite you for the presentation. You need to find out the purpose and the primary objective of why you are being invited


2. Find out whether the need for your presentation was made by the client himself or it is an intermediary's need


3. Find out the context in which the presentation will be made


4. Find out what is the current situation if a project is going on


5. Find out who are the participants and why they have been invited


6. Check whether you need to meet the CEO seperately before making the presentation


7. Check the quality of the relationship the person who invited you has with the client


8. Try to elicit the trigger words and the taboo words


9. Rehearse your talk


10. Prepare a presentation following all the principles of communication


11. Prepare the presentation afresh, and completly avoid copy and paste


12. Practice your presentation


13. List down the possible queries and develop answers for them


14. Get the list of key people (decision makers) who will be present in the meeting


15. Plan your visit and be punctual.

How do you show you care for your loved ones?

There are different ways people show that they care:

1. A husband tells his wife he loves her.
2. A wife buys a gift for her husband
3. A daughter buys a gift for her mother
4. A son sends a card to his father stating that he is missing him

We often use occasions as props to show that we love and care. Perhaps it is a sign of our times. We get so busy oiling and running the machinery of our lives that we forget to express our love to our loved ones. Our conversations revolve around the mundane-grocery, electricity bills, houshold chores---

I think we need to do both-express our love and care daily and also use special occasions to punctuate the routine by a planned expression of showing our love to our loved ones.

Today, I got fantastic gifts from my wife. She had carefully planned this and put in a lot of effort. I am deeply touched.

I also learnt a very important lesson. We need to seek opportunities to celebrate our love with our loved ones. Along with day to day expression of our love, we also need to invest our time and effort just to show that we care and we love.

This can be done several ways:

1. Plan a party for the person
2. Buy her a gift
3. Take her to a movie
4. Buy him a watch
5. Send her flowers

The list can go on. The point I am driving at is that the more time, effort and planning we put in to delighting our loved ones the more fulfilling all our lives will be.

We need not wait for an occasion to do this. We can pick up a random date and decide to delight our loved ones just for the sake of doing so.

I think we can classify people in different categories:

1. People who forget to express their love day in day out and use occasions as props to express their love
2. People who their express their love day in day out but don't take occasions seriously and miss an opportunity to express their love in a more grand, gala way
3. People who forget to express their love day in day out and don't take occasions seriously either.
4. People who express their love day in day out and also take occasions seriously and turn them into delightful experiences.

My wife belongs to the 4th category. I am learning to get into the 4th category. She is also good at selecting a random date and planning something delightful, either for me or for our daughter.

What about you? To which category do you belong to?

Another question you need to ask yourself is how much time, effort and planning do you invest in delighting your loved ones.

A chain is as strong as its weakest link. What are your weakest links?

I have missed out on doing things that are fun and very beneficial, just because I believe I am not good at it.
Here is a list:

1. I am not good at painting
2. I am not good at striking the first conversation
3. I am not good at sports
4. I am not good at trekking
5. I am not good at networking

I use these statements as excuses for not attempting to start activities around these areas.

It is important to examine these lists. Perhaps, these lists have been handed over to us by others-teachers, friends, peers, bosses---or they have been created none other than ourselves.

Here is an approach to make your weakest link your strongest, if not the strongest, make it as strong as you want it to be.

• Identify an area
• Substitute the statement-example, "I am taking steps right now to make myself good at painting", instead of "I am not good at painting."
• Set a timeline of 6 months with slots of 21 days (It takes 21 days to form a habit)
• Plan to do poorly, initially. It is ok to make mistakes and you have the right and the permission (from yourself) to do so
• Have fun
• Celebrate the effort you put in, not the results.
• Monitor every 21 days of your progress

I am planning to use these steps. What about you? Do you have a similar list?

Try this approach out and do feel free to come to this post and share your experience.

How do you appear to others? What is your "default face"?

This morning, I watched the news on TV and saw a comentator. He was worried or appeared worried. I continued observing people and there appearence while I was at the bank transfering some of the shares I sold and during the hour long commute to the office (Traffic was horrible today).

Each face reflected a different emotion; Some were happy;Some were angry;Some were bored;---

I was feeling quite happy myself, inside and I hope it reflected on my face. All these reflections brought me to this fundamental question:

How do I appear to others? What is my "default face"? Am I approachable?

If our "default face" is anything other than pleasent and approachable it is time to take a look and change it.

How does your "default face" look?

Are you caught in the motivation trap?

Since New Year, I have been challenging this motivation belief in me.

Let me explain the belief:

" I believe that I need to be motivated to do any task. Motivation should come first and then my action."

This is such a limiting belief. I picked this belief from many of the self-help books I have read, from management theories regarding motivation, from my bosses, teachers--- I can keep listing the source of this belief, it is a long one.

This belief was responsible for the internal dialogue in me that prevented me taking important actions when it was required.

Some examples:

I don't feel like exercising

Preparing and submitting the expense statement is so boring

I don't feel like resolving the conflict I had with my colleague

I don't feel like organizing my house

I have started substituting my internal dialogue, by being aware of it and changing it.

Hence, "I don't feel like exercising." was substituted with "Let me begin exercising to feel motivated about it."

It worked remarkably. I exercised everyday since the New Year Resolution and have lost 6 KGs (13.22 pounds).

Here are few more examples of substitution:

Let me begin to prepare and submit the expense statement to drive away boredom and get interested in the activity

Let me begin the first step to resolve the conflict to feel motivated about solving it.

Let me begin organizing the house to get into the feel of the activity and get motivated.

An action has its impact on our perception about it. Though it may not be possible to feel high about every action, we can, however, definitly generate enough feeling, interest and excitement to carry it through.

Try it out! Challenge this limiting belief of motivation! You will get a lot of things done.

The key is to identify the first few steps and begin the task. Your interest and feeling will suddenly appear and follow you through.

Do write your comments after you have tried it out.

Do you use your watch to its fullest potential?

I love watches. I have a good collection of them. I keep changing them every now and then. Recently a thought came to me, as I looked at my complicated watch. Am I using my watch to its fullest potential? I found a strange thing. I am just wearing it as an accessory and I rarely look at my watch even to check the time. My digital diary tells me the time. My laptop tells me the time.

Here are my thoughts on how we can use a watch to its fullest potential:

1. Tell the time (most obvious one)
2. Plan to reach an airport on time. Let me illustrate-If your flight is at 3:00 PM; Need to be at the airport one hour before at 2:00 PM; One hour commute to the airport, so leave at 1:00 PM; One hour for lunch, so start lunch at 12:00 PM ---
3. If your watch has a stop watch, you can estimate the amount of time a repeating task takes; Try to cut down the time for the same task by providing yourself just 30 minutes instead of one hour it usualy takes.
4. If your watch has a countdown feature, you can set a time limit, of say 30 minutes, for a task and try to finish it within the set time limit
5. If your watch has an hourly chime, you can anchor the chime as a reminder for you to get up from your desk and walk to the other end of your office block. This can prevent arthritis in future.
6. You can use an alarm to remind you of any errand you have set;You can shut down the Outlook email that will distract you and check it after 2 hours, by setting an alarm
7. You can use it as a jewelery.

I am sure everyone knows the various uses one can put a watch to. However, most of us take this wonderful gadget for granted.

We wear complicated watches that can tell us the temperature, the direction, the altitude and do many other things, except perhaps cook us a breakfast, in addition to telling us the time in our time zone and perhaps different time zones. How many of us use these features?

Moreover how many of us use the watch for its primary purpose-To help us to be punctual and be more effective?

What about you? How do you use your watch?

Do you seek opportunities to build trust?

Recently one of our colleagues was put on the chopping block. There were a lots of complaints about him from different leaders. There was a discussion about him whether he should be allowed to continue or be asked to quit.

Finally a decision was taken by all of us to give him a second chance. All this happened without his presence. When he called me for some official business, I decided to tell him and warn him that such a discussion had taken place. He was shocked and surprised. He told me that none of the leaders, all of them whom he thought were his good friends, had warned him and appraised him about this incident.

He thanked me profusely and our relationship totally changed. The trust levels went up very high. I was surprised by this incident as I was never close to him and he had never considered me as his friend.

What this incident taught me was that being fare and showing genuine care and concern has a profound impact on relationships. It can turn an ordinary acquaintance to a friend.

While it is not possible to have everyone as our friends, we always have to seek opportunities to show we care. Who knows that person may turn into a good friend of ours?

When was the last time you recognized an opportunity to build trust?

Definitions for using the necklace-treasure chest model* to become highly productive.

Definitions of terms used in the previous two posts:

Simple task:

1. A task that can be done in 5 minutes
2. A task that has not more than two sub tasks

Complex task:

1. A task that will last more than 5 minutes to a 8 hours
2. A task that has multiple steps
3. A task that has action items that need to be done by others

High Benefit

1. Tasks that will take you to your goals
2. Tasks that will help others
3. Tasks that will enhance relationships
4. Tasks that are fun to do

Low Benefit

1. Tasks that does not contribute to reaching your goals
2. Addictive harmful tasks
3. Tasks that are fun to do

*© Muralidharan Jayaram

Discover what pulls you to do useless activities?

Please read the previous post before you read this one - Are you filling your treasure chest with plastic trinkets?---.

Your choice of whether you will do the plastic, zircon, emerald or diamond activities will depend on whether the actiivites are "urgent" or "not urgent".

"Urgent" plastic and zircon activities are distractions that will pull you to focus on them and do them.

"Urgent" emerald and diamond activities usually gets done.

It is the "not urgent" emerald and diamond activities that have a major chance to get neglected.

Keeping this model in our mind will help us to understand why we behave the way we do.

The questions to ask yourself are from two angles;

Is the urgency forcing you to choose the plastic and zircon activities?

Is the lack of urgency causing you to neglect the emerald and diamond activities?

These are very important questions for everyone of us to ponder over.

Are you filling your treasure chest with plastic trinkets? Fill your coffers with 'gems of activities" daily.

At the end of today, every one of us would have done a string of activities. These activities can be broadly classified into the following:

1. Plastic


2. Emerald


3. Zircon


4. Diamond

Please see the figure. It is self explanatory.

At the end of the day, do you have a diamond or a emerald necklace or a zircon necklace or worst, a plastic one.

Be careful of the necklaces you craft everyday, lest the treasure casket of your life be filled with plastic and zircon.

Stay tuned for a future post, where I will define these terms.

So, what necklace are you making right now?

It is a very important question for you to ponder.

What an accident can teach you?

I had an accident, last Monday. The cars in the fast track suddenly stopped and our chauffeur had to jam the brakes. He saved our car from crashing into the car in the front; However, a taxi skidded and hit our car from the behind.

These are the sequence of events that happened after that:

1. I got out of my car and checked the damage done to my car
2. I checked the damage of the taxi that had hit us
3. The taxi driver got out and checked his taxi
4. I took his license number and noted the number of his car
5. We exchanged words while other cars were cursing us for blocking the traffic
6. We had the option of going to the police station, but I chose not to
7. We parted and went our ways

Later on, I checked whether I had any pain in my back; It was just a mild one. As I was thinking about the impact of the accident on myself and my purse, I suddenly realized that I had completely forgotten to ask the driver of the taxi nor my own driver whether they had any injury or hurt.

Both the drivers had got out of the car and stood there arguing. Neither the taxi driver nor my driver had asked me whether I had any hurt or injury, all us were fully focused on our respective cars.

I was ashamed of myself. It is in these situations that our real values come to play. My car was, probably, in a higher position in the value hierarchy than a real living person; Of course, the taxi driver and my own driver had no injuries and if they had one then I would have reacted differently and offered them help.

Nevertheless, the point I am driving at is that all of us and the passersby had no basic courtesy to check whether any party was injured.

Why did all of us, including the passersby, react like this, despite Mumbai being one of the most helpful cities in the world? Is this a sign of our times?

Well, I need to do a soul searching regarding this, for I always thought I had great concern for people.

How about you? How would you react?

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Is the genie in you awake?

There is a genie in you. There is a genie in everyone. Alas! for most of us our genie is fast asleep.

Here are my thoughts on the genie

The Genie*

I saw the child standing there,
With a wary look and a scare,
He saw everyone, here and there,
in the games they played, without a care,

He stood alone and walked alone,
Dropping his tears on many a stone,
What his fears are, did know, no one,
He got no cheers from anyone,

Look my child, you need no one,
Only one friend you need, more than anyone,
That is you my child, you can have the fun,
You can get the success wild, and get the race won,

There is a genie in you, you need to wake,
Wake that genie and it's all a piece of cake,
The genie will help you to move and shake,
embark you on the journey, for you have the world to take,

He moved with courage and was bold,
A lot of things he touched turned to gold,
He had a success, forever to hold,
for what ever he made, got wildly sold,

Now I saw him stand there,
With a smile and not a thing to care,
For the genie was in him, he was always aware,
He also had friends around him, everywhere,

There is that lonely child, don't fail to notice,
She is full of fears and you need to pay your fees,
Awaken the genie in her and put her to ease,
That is the way, your genie, to keep and please.

*© Muralidharan Jayaram

Will generations down the line thank you?

Your actions are determined by your values. Every family hands down its values from one generation to another. In that sense, the values handed over to you, by your parents/guardians or whoever raised you, will have a say whether you succeed or fail. Your upbringing and your family has had tremendous influence on you so far, whether you like it or not.

Good families handover wholesome values that will go a long way in helping its family members to succeed in life.

No matter how good a family you belong to, you will have, definitely, missing strands of values as no family is perfect. Moreover, along with the wholesome values you would have also got the disfunctional ones.

Over and above this, you would have changed your values, mostly unconsciously, living your life so far and hopefully you have changed the dysfunctional values.

Rarely do people examine the values they have inherited. It is a very important activity.

Examine your values and begin to cultivate the wholesome values that are missing. You need to do this not only for yourself but also for your children and rest of the generations to come.

Generations down the line, they will thank you for it.

What are things you need to do that will make you outstanding?

What do you need to do periodically that will make you outstanding?

Here they are:

1. Identifying and challenging assumptions


2. Constant search to do something no one else has done in your field


3. Being alert to changes in your context and situation


4. Being alert to opportunities around you


5. Seeking opportunities in every event and situation


6. Trying to do something new and enjoying it; Learning to enjoy failure if you encounter one
   
7. Creating opportunities for yourself

I am monitoring, periodically, whether I do all these things.

What about you?

Your first subordination analysis

In order to take control of your subordination process (see the previous posts), you need to know the activities you want to subordinate. It will be a good idea to look at your activities landscape systematically. This is a very simple exercise and shouldn't take a lot of time.

Here is what you need to do:

1. Be aware of every activity you do through out the day-make a mental note of the time you spent on it(a rough estimate would do).


2. Mentally scan through the activities at the end of the day and choose one or two activities you feel you can subordinate. The choice is entirely up to you. Search for frequent, fun activities (trivia) such as gossipping over the telephone, reading novels, reading the news paper, watching the TV etc. These activities should be the trivial ones we spend time on and cutting them will not in any way harm us or collapse our world.


3. Make sure that you are not selecting any important, high yielding activity.


4. Map this activity in a similar template shown in the picture


5. Negotiate with yourself the amount of time you will cut. Example-I have cut two hours of my daily TV viewing time.


6. Do this for a typical week of yours.


7. Look at your week and decide which activity you could subordinate.

Calculate the amount of time you will free up if you subordinate the chosen activities.

You can now decide to do those activities, you want to do, which you thought you never had time for!

Try this simple but very powerful tool. It may change your life for ever.

Do write back, through your comments here, of using this tool.

What are the laws of subordination?

It is important to keep in mind the laws of subordination (See the previous post) while changing the landscape of your activities.

First law of subordination:

Activities that are the most fun to do will be the most resistant to subordination

Example-Balancing your check book vs watching a baseball game on TV.

Second law of subordination:

The act of planning activities and conscious subordination work together, in synergy, to produce results

Example-Planning to do your assignment instead of watching Disney channel

Third law of subordination

The balance of indulgence in an activity and the subordination of it needs to be maintained for successful subordination.

Example-You cannot keep missing your Disney channel for ever. You are going to rebel, sooner or later

Fourth law of subordination

Successful subordination releases the time you need for important activities you thought you had no time for

Example-You get time to do your hobby instead of surfing the Internet blindly

Fifth law of subordination

Rotational subordination will ensure your fun activities get a chance to give you fun

Example-you don't get stuck just playing cards, you also paint, go for movies, play your piano --- while you get your important things done too

Keep these laws in mind while planning your activities for the day; Breaking these laws of subordination leads to procrastination and failure.

Stay tuned for further posts on how to successfully subordinate and live a fun filled, productive life.

Do you make the "principle of subordination" work for you?

What is the principle of subordination?

Every activity happens at the expense of another. One activity, thus, subordinates another in a finite continuum of time.

Let's say you come back home from work every day at 8:00 PM and watch TV from 8:30 PM to 10:00 PM, every day. One day, you suddenly realize the dire need for exercising; so you come back home and go for a walk, along with your spouse, for an hour and get back home at 9:30 PM. You have, automatically, subordinated the activity of watching TV.

Your ability to continue exercising will depend on the tug of war between these two activities. Let's assume that you succeed in sticking to exercising, instead of watching TV, will that mean that you will reduce or totally stop watching TV. I don't think so.

Your TV watching may subordinate your activity of sleeping and may erode into your sleep time. Does that mean you will sleep less? May be or may not be, as you may sleep late and subordination is carried forward till it finds a nice, high priority area on to which it can settle down, finally.

The problem is, for most of us, this happens automatically and unconsciously. This is dangerous because you may subordinate important activities like sleep, family time, work ---

The more you are in control of the process of subordination, the more fulfilled your life will be.

How do you subordinate effectively? Well! that is for another post.

Meanwhile, you can begin to examine and identify important high priority activities that are getting subordinated by relatively low yielding activities.

Stay tuned in, for more, in the future posts.

Are your values being slowly eaten?

When was the last time you checked the shift in your values? Day in day out you are bombarded by advertisements, movies, soap operas, colleagues, bosses, friends, strangers and this constant assault can erode your values. Hopefully your parents/guardians/teachers have set in you default values for success such as:

• Honesty


• Integrity


• Hard work


• Smart work


• Concern for others


• Speed


• Punctuality


• Walking the talk


• Respect for others


• Commitment to friendship and friends

The list can go on. These are default values and hopefully you have, consciously, examined these and chosen them, again for yourself.

Environment has tremendous impact on you, whether you realize it or not;It can quietly eat in to your values and turn you into a new leaf with a new color.

Are you turning into a new leaf?

Same thing can happen to your child. A single exposure to a conniving relative or stranger can quietly change your child's values.

Vigilence is the only answer to this immense problem.

Examine your values again, today. It is a high priority action item, as your success or failure depends on maintaining wholesome values you have gained or been gifted with.

Also check your child's value shifts. Build trust with your child and be alert for changes.

When was the last time you went for a picnic?

We often wait for that time of the year, when we can go on a vacation. While our eyes are fixed on that far away time, we allow many opportunities, to have pure fun in the "here" and "now", to slip away.

Last Saturday, we went for a picnic, to a spot, just 100 KM, away from Mumbai.

Here is my experience:

Just to "be"*

I stood in the open air,

with the wind blowing in my hair,

I stared at the distant peaks,

while the warm sun rays, kissed my cheeks,

I was in the "here" and "now",

while I watched the lazy cow,

I saw my family, on the tree,

letting go their "child" totally free,

I had no planned goals to chase,

but just stand there and gaze,

I had no lit screens to stare,

but just, be there and be "aware",

I felt, it's so rare to be so free ,

and I was so free just to "be".


The experience was very rejuvenating.

When was the last time you set yourself free, just to "be".

*© Muralidharan Jayaram

Are you a camel? How much will you tolerate before you protest and act?

Many of us behave like camels. We wait for the last straw beyond which we cannot tolerate anymore. The big and important question we need to ask ourselves is, "How much tolerance is optimum tolerance?"

Different situations call for different levels of tolerance. Let's take some examples to drive home the point.

1. Colleague/Friend/children drinking and driving; Zero Tolerance


2. Employee cheating on an expense statement; Zero Tolerance


3. Your child lying to you; Zero tolerance


4. Employee under performing because she has a learning curve; A mutually agreed level of performance and a stipulated time elapse before your tolerance will go to zero.


5. An employee under performing because of an attitudinal problem; Mutually agreed performance level and clarification of your zero tolerance level.

There are many areas in our life we need to examine and think through to set our tolerance levels. While it is not realistic to have zero tolerance in all areas of our life, we, however, should be clear, in our minds, about our tolerance threshold.

Some sample areas to think through:

1. Disorganized house


2. Unplanned work


3. Our weight


4. The amount of sleep we get


5. The time lapse between our vacations


6. The amount we spend beyond our limits


7. The amount of time lapse before we prepare for an exam


8. The amount of time lapse before we submit our reports


9. The amount of project delay before we put our foot down


10. The number of customers lost before we re-look at our strategy

It is important to set standards of performance and determine our tolerance levels. It is my experience that the higher the standards we set for ourselves and others and lesser the tolerance levels we attribute to them, the more the chances we have that we perform at these high standards levels.

If you don't set standards and if you have not predetermined your tolerance level, you will, sooner or later, break your back because very soon, if not immediately, the last straw will be placed on your back.

I don't think you can go too far with a broken back.

Setting standards and tolerance levels for yourself and others will be one of the most fruitful activities you ever could undertake.

Now tell me how much will you tolerate the time lapse before you set standards and tolerance levels for various areas in your life?

How do you pack your day with experiences?

Our memories are made up of our day to day experiences in life. Some of these experiences come to us, on their own and some we create on our own, based on our choices; We can choose to stare at an excel sheet through out the day and come back home and further choose to stare at it, by working late night, to cite an extreme example.

What are the various option we have, in addition to our work at the office or at school or at home?

Here are a few of them:

1. Listen to music
2. Watch a movie
3. Draw
4. Write a story
5. Spend time with our family
6. Walk our dog
7. Exercise
8. Indulge in our hobby
9. Prepare a budget
10. Organize our house
11. Read a book

We need to pack in a variety of activities into our days and we need to do this consciously; For most of us, our day gets packed, by chance and not by our choice.

The best way to begin, is by listing all activities that we enjoy and all the activities that are useful for us. Once we have such a list, lets call it the "experience list" for want of another name, we can then plan an entire week filled with varied activities that give us fun and are useful to us.

Without such a plan we will tend to do the same activities again and again while we could have done something else that would have given us immense satisfaction or joy.

As of me, I am putting this idea to work on a priority basis.

What about you? Try it out!

You may have, at the most, an experience of a Lifetime or an experience of a "Life week", at the least.

Do you have the universal prerequisites in you that qualify you to be befriended?

What are the universal prerequisites we need to possess that would predetermine our success in winning true friends?

I can list a few of them here:

1. Trustworthiness
2. Honesty
3. Integrity
4. Caring
5. Kindness
6. Loyalty
7. Helpful
8. Good listener
9. Humility

We can keep adding to this list. These universal prerequisites operate in all the cultures. You need to have these prerequisites before you can be successful in winning and keeping friends for life.

Now compare this list with an another list:

1. Having common interests; I love photography so do you.
2. Wearing similar trendy clothes and fashionable dress; We like and wear fashionable and trendy clothes.
3. Having a status; My family is famous so is yours.
4. Being wealthy; I am rich so are you.
5. Being beautiful; I am beautiful so are you.
6. Having a common background; I am a geologist so are you.
7. Having a common educational background; I am a MBA so are you.
8. Belonging to the same hierarchy level; I am a CEO so are you.
9. Having a common language; I speak Hindi so do you.

It is my experience that people give more importance to the second list rather than the first one. We quickly classify people using the second list and give our verdict: He is not fit to be our friend;She is fit to be our friend.

Invariably, friendship based on the second list will cause us trouble and give us heartbreaks. It will also prevent us from having true friends because we brush aside people based on a superficial scan.

Be careful of the criteria you use for friendship. Just because you cannot find a common ground immediately with a person does not mean that person cannot be your friend. You can always find a common ground together, later.

This is true in friendship, as well as in marriage. What is required is to get the basic DNA in us right.

Our DNA strands need to be composed of the first list.

What about you? What kind of DNA strand do you possess?

The MAGIC 21 --- How are you doing with respect to your new year resolutions?

Today I am doing a concurrent critique*:

How am I doing with respect to my new year resolutions?

I am doing fine with respect to all my new year resolutions. It is a great feeling. I have crossed the first barrier to make these new year resolutions a habit because it is already, the magic, 21 days. It takes 21 days to to form a habit.

This is also a time to be more careful and not allow any complacency to set in.

What are my learnings so far?

1. Constant monitoring has led to this success
2. Results I got because of the resolution such as weight loss got me really motivated
3. Very big support of family to help me to keep the resolutions on track
4. Some of the resolutions are joint resolutions, hence it is important to have shared family resolutions along with your own resolutions

What about you? You too have reached the magic 21 today. How are you faring?

* Concurrent critique is a technique I learnt in "Grid - The Power to Change" workshop conducted by Grid International.

For more details on critique and Grid - visit their website: http://www.gridinternational.com/

How do you focus?

I have this tendencey to focus on a single task or area to the exclusion of others. There are advantages and disadvantages.

Advantages:

1. Task gets done quickly
2. Task gets done with a mark of excellence
3. I get lots of ideas because of my single minded focus
4. Once it is complete, I get a sense of satisfaction of completeness

Disadvantages:

1. Other tasks get neglected
2. Important tasks get delayed
3. Danger of missing out on urgent and important activities

The following disadvantages get magnified if it is a focus area rather than a single task and I get fascinated by it.

I have read all kinds of time management books and suggestions. None of them are complete in themselves;I think none of them will ever be.

The choices in front of every one of us are the following:

1. Single, exclusive, unplanned focus
2. Single, inclusive unplanned focus, (here you are alert to other tasks too)
3. Single, exclusive, planned focus
4. Single, inclusive, planned focus;leads to balance
5. Multiple, inclusive, unplanned focus-(here you are on a random multitasking mode)
6. Multiple, exclusive, planned focus-(here you are on a multitasking mode)

There must be a balance in focus in all areas of life. The focus must be planned, but not planned so much that we miss out on the opportunities that come to us at random or are unaware of the dangers that spring up suddenly.

How about you? How do you focus?

This is an important area for you to examine.

How do you fight complacency?

Every one of us gets complacent in one area of life or the other. Complacency can lead to failure and crisis.

Complacency is a function of seriousness and awareness.

Low seriousness and low awareness is the cause of many problems- I am not serious about my fitness and I am unaware of my weight, as I don't monitor it. I am also careless about the food I eat and I am unaware of the consequences of eating such food. I am in the Zone of the Complacent

Low seriousness and High awareness: As things deteriorate and I get overweight, I am aware of my condition, but I am still not serious about it. I let things happen to me and the result is, I am well on my way to obesity. I am in the Zone of the Paralyzed.

High seriousness and Low awareness: As people begin to make fun of me and I begin to feel the after effects of obesity, I decide to get serious and now want to reduce my weight. At this stage my awareness suddenly dips to a new low, as I do not know which exercise to choose from and how to exercise.

In the event, I choose to exercise after consulting a doctor, say going for a brisk walk, I may still fail to monitor my weight as weeks go by. I live in a Zone of Illusion, thinking that I am taking appropriate steps to reduce my weight, but actually I am not getting any results.

High seriousness and High awareness. I am now aware that I took exercise for granted and it is not yielding any results. I decide to continue exercising and begin to monitor my weight. I also begin to do some form of dieting. This brings me results! I am in the Zone of Results.

I am happy now but if I am not careful, I can go back to the complacency zone; I can feel content by my small progress and regain my weight back or as I continue to exercise, I suddenly realize that I am stagnating as no further weight reduction is happening. Now I need to get to the next level of seriousness and awareness, as I have to explore and learn new exercises and get more in depth knowledge of my diet options. The journey continues...

Once I reach my ideal weight, I need to get my seriousness and awareness to a whole new dimension in order to succeed to maintain that weight. I need to seriously consider changing my lifestyle for good.

The Complacency-Results Matrix* is a powerful matrix that can be applied to many areas of life.

Try it out and enjoy the great feeling of being in the results zone consistently.

*© Muralidharan jayaram

Is the world full of average people?

Last evening I went for a walk, as a part of my routine, to get some exercise. As I walked, I saw a group of people watching TV in an apartment. They were all glued to their TV set. This triggered a thought in me of how many people waste their time, in front of their television, watching meaningless programs.

As I thought more and more, my reflection bought me to a fundamental question: Is the world filled with average people?; I don't know, may be it is, but what I do know is what makes people average. Let me list for you some of the characteristics that could make you and I an average person:

"Average" portrait

You are average,
If you work only for your wage,

You are average,
If you don't get out of your cage,

You are average,
If you can't read beyond a page,

You are average,
If you pollute your mind with garbage,

You are average,
If you always fear the stage,

You are average,
If you can't control your rage,

You are average,
If you don't strive to be a sage,

You are average,
If you don't give life its due weight age,

You are average,
If you choose just to wait and age.*

I am sure we can add a lot more to the list. Being average is a choice many people make. Some people live their entire lives with that choice, a few others break out of the pack to reach the heights beyond their dreams.

It is important to be aware of this choice to be average, by examining our lives thoroughly. For most of us, the choice was made unconsciously. Examining this choice and changing it is an important internal work we need to do.

If we don't do this important internal work and change our choice, we will miss out on our opportunity to contribute meaningfully to this world we are living in.



*© Muralidharan Jayaram

Do you turn a prince into a frog?

We were shopping in a mall and I saw a couple, so lovingly, buying clothes for their children. The mall was filled with kids of different ages-infants to teenagers. Seeing all of them, I began to wonder what is in store for them, when they grow up.

I remember the time, when I left home at the age of 19 and went to another town for a job. In the first week itself, a customer behaved very rudely to me. I remember going back to my room, missing my home and parents and suddenly realizing how safe and filled with love my home was, in stark contrast with the crude and rude world outside.

All responsible parents raises their children with lots of love and care. Children are treated as princes and princesses and pampered with a balance of discipline. The result is they grow up with a lot of self-esteem and are ready to face the world.

However, there are parents who are irresponsible and raise their children as frogs, ill treating them. These children grow up with poor self-esteem and are poorly equipped to face the world.

When I meet people, I search for the prince or the frog hidden in them. Nowadays, I am more and more aware that the person in front of me is a result of the loving efforts of his parents. I am careful in my interactions with him because I don't want to turn this prince into a frog, by deriding him and lowering his self-esteem.

Similarly, I don't want to turn a frog into a tadpole, rather I would like to turn him into a prince, hopefully.

What about you? Do you turn princes into frogs often?

Think about it while you are interacting with the next person you meet after reading this post.

Look Ma no hands!

I was watching a kid go round and round on his cycle. Slowly, as he gained confidence, he screamed with joy, “Mummy, Mummy- Look!", for he had taken his hands off the handle of the cycle; He and the machine had become one. I am sure that this boy, like most of us, will continue to exhibit this behavior of trying to impress others for the rest of his life.

Right from childhood, we want to impress and gain approval of others who matter to us. As years go by, people get substituted or added while we pursue to meet our need for approval.

As you look back, you may be surprised, as I did, to observe that the list of people who you want to impress has changed over a period of time. Moreover, many of them are not there with you anymore, either they have moved away or you have.

However, there is one person who has always been with you and will always be with you; That person is no other than you. As I thought in these lines, I suddenly realized, how little effort I take, day in day out, to try to impress myself.

I decided to do the following:

Bring excellence in everything I do that will impress me first before anyone else is impressed

Dress in a manner that I look into the mirror and say Wow! before anyone else says WOW!

Put in every effort to contribute to others and say thank you before anyone else says thank you

What about you? When was the last time you did something in such a manner that you yourself were impressed, before anyone else was?

The more genuinely you try to impress yourself and succeed in wholesome areas of your life, the easier it will be for you to get others to say WOW! Even if they don’t appreciate what you have done, you still have the one person who will be at your side always that is you.

In this complex, high stress, multitasking world of today, you need first yourself by your side, more than anyone else; And impressing, gaining approval and confidence of this important person will be the primary determining factor for your success in all areas of your life.

How are you utilizing the resources you already possess?

How are you utilizing the resources you have? Have you explored them thouroughly?

I have a lot of gadgets which I am not utilizing to their fullest potential. My Palm Treo, I use it more as a phone and to store data, rather than as a full fledged digital assistant.

My Nikon D 80 SLR camera has many features I don't even understand, leave alone use. I have a TV and I find myself watching it at random, rather than exploring and watching meaningful programs. I have an Adobe photoshop software which I have still not used, not even once.

Recently, I asked my colleague to practice his presentation in front of his camcorder. He said, "Wow! that's a great idea and I wonder why it never occured to me" and I thought to myself that there are others too in the same "club" I am in and that made me feel slightly better.

If we really look around, we have a lot of resources which we can put to use, but we never do.

I have decided to examine each gadget, software, and any other resource I have and really ponder, as to, how I can utilize it to its fullest potential.

It is one thing to possess a resource, but totally another thing to utilize them to its fullest potential. Recently my daugther searched in her college library for hours for a Corporate Strategy book which we already had at home.

The decision to explore a resource, we possess fully and to utilize it to its fullest potential, in our defined context, can make a world of difference to our quality of life.

What about you? How well are you utilizing your resources?

How do you handle conflict?

Conflicts are inevitable in our daily lives. How many of us realize that our quality of life depends on the way we handle conflicts. There are many ways people handle conflict;

The common mistakes I observe, day in day out, are:

1. Do nothing-allow conflicts to pile up one above the other
2. Wait for the "last straw on the camel's back" and explode
3. Withdraw completely and give the silent treatment to the other person
4. Be unreasonable and unwilling to listen to the other's view point
5. Play the blame game
6. Crush and suppress the other person because you are taller or stronger or elder or you have some kind of authority on him/her
7. Say mean and hurtful things which you actually don't mean
8. Bottle up your hurt for hours, days, weeks, months, years or the entire lifetime
9. Not make the first move to resolve the conflict and wait for the other person to take the initiative
10. Show your anger on someone else
11. Try to solve the conflict in the heat of the moment, instead of waiting for more saner times
12. Labeling each other in a hurtful manner

It is important to handle conflict and resolve it at the earliest. Ability to bring the conflict out in the open, listen to each other deeply, with respect, acknowledge the mistakes on both sides, apologize and be willing to forget and forgive is crucial to having a good quality of life.

In case you are making any of the mistakes mentioned above, it is time to stop them now.

Invariably, your willingness to make the first move to reach out and resolve the conflict will be your first step towards resolving it.

Do you have someone with whom you have had a major conflict? Make that first move, be patient and invest in the process of conflict resolution, and try your best to resolve it.

You may be surprised by the results because in many cases the conflict may get resolved much quicker than you think.

Buy this book by Tim Ursiny and you will be able to handle conflict bravely. Here is the link to the book!

The Coward's Guide to Conflict: Empowering Solutions for Those Who Would Rather Run Than Fight

Do you send people to the "School of Hard Knocks"?

When a person consistently commits errors or exhibits attitudinal tantrums, or is disloyal to you and betrays you, what do you do with him/her?

It is very important to know your options and also to know how and when to use the various options. It is also important to understand which options are dysfunctional and should be avoided totally.

Let's examine the various options you have:

1. Plot to teach him/her a lesson
2. Pick up a fight
3. Critique
4. Send him/her to the "School of Hard Knocks"

Plotting against the person and finding ways and means to fix him/her, in such a manner that he/she will be shocked into learning a lesson, is a very dysfunctional approach. The pitfalls in this approach is that your plan may misfire or the lesson they will pick up will be the wrong one and, over and above all this, it could damage relationship permanently.

In this approach, you are playing games and this can trigger the other person responding in a similar fashion.

Picking up a fight, again is dysfunctional, as it may not achieve what you want and may worsen the situation.

The choice between the options critique (the best option) and the "School of hard knocks" depends on the situation, context and the amount of trust between you and the person involved.

You can use critique, if trust levels are high or after you build trust levels high enough;Here you will openly discuss about the dysfunctional behaviour and its impact on you and others and will negotiate an appropriate action plan with the person to help him/her avoid such a behaviour in the future; This is a problem solving approach.

What if, after all your interventions, the person still continues to err or he/she doesn't care enough to make an effort to change or he/she has character flaws and is duplicitous and opportunistic?

In such a situation you need to take steps to protect yourself/your colleagues/co workers/team members/ family/organization or anyone the person's behaviour may impact negatively; You can let go (for the time being?) and send him/her to the "School of Hard Knocks"

School of Hard Knocks is the most painful school in the world; This is where "students" are punished;This is where "students" go to suffer and learn, through experiences they have brought onto themselves, by the consequences of their behaviour. Experience is the best teacher and hopefully, they will learn.

While they are in the School of Hard knocks, you may choose to ease their pain, because you are compassionate, by being there for them or chose to completely ignore them.

The choice is, always, yours!

Do you critique or do you judge? Do you label people?

My wife and I decided to completely stop judging others for a period of one month, to start with. We also decided that we will monitor each other and make a funny, warning sound like "ehgnaaaaa!" when we spot each other judging anyone.

It is one thing to critique others so that they learn and totally another thing to judge others. Critique focuses on the behaviour and its impact which we need to identify and give feedback to the individual who originated that behaviour, provided the trust levels between that person and us are high.

Judging, however, is a totally different matter altogether. To judge a person, either silently or in private, or with that person himself/herself openly, is to label him/her permanently.

Labels are destructive. How often have I seen people label each other in a manner that many a times these labels last a lifetime and cause tremendous damage.

When was the last time you labeled a person? It is time now to take stock. What about your labels?

Reverse Networking

As I was sitting in my car today, I suddenly remembered an old boss of mine. Where is he now? What is he doing right now? How is he? I suddenly realized, I had no clue.

My mind went further down the timeline, in the past, and many images of people came to me. Amongst them were significant people who have had tremendous influence on me.

My kindergarten teacher, who taught me to tie my shoe laces, my chemistry teacher, who aroused my interest in behavioural science, my english teacher, whose classes, I used to cherish, another boss of mine, who had mentored and coached me, my dad's friend, who had taught me the importance of reading, all these people in small and big ways have made me the person who I am today. The list of people who influenced me can go on and on.

How many of them am I in touch with now? In the whole list of people, only four of them. Even the ones I am in touch with, the credit will go to my wife and not to me. She is the one, in our family, who always keeps in touch with people, a quality, I greatly admire in her.

It is sad that in my busy, single minded focus to achieve my goals and climb the ladder, I totally forgot, the very people who had played major roles, through their influence, to make me the person who I am today. A lot of my success, I have achieved today, I owe it to them. Alas! I don't even know where they are to say a thank you.

In this age of warped speed, with people pursuing their career/personal goals and networking with a purpose to further their own interests, I would strongly recommend reverse networking. I would recommend, tracking down every person who has had a positive influence on you, just to say thank you and show them that you care.

I don't know how many of those people I will be able to contact now, but I do know that even if I am able to contact a few of them and thank them, the experience and the benefit to me and to them will be priceless.

Henceforth, I have decided to note down and keep in touch with people who will influence me and network with them, purely from a point of view of showing them I care.

What about you? How many of the people who have influenced you are you in touch? How many of them did you say thank you? Think about it.

Try it! It may further change your life.

How are you faring with respect to your new year resolutions?

I am just doing a periodic critique here. I find myself fully in control, with respect to all of my new year resolutions. I wonder, why I didn't do these, very beneficial, things earlier.

I think the reasons for success are as follows:

• High degree of commitment


• High degree of self-discipline


• Intense desire to reach specific goals related to the resolutions


• Subordinating other activities, such as watching TV, to the new year resolutions


• Family support and encouragement

Am I committed because these are a new year resolutions? Can we manufacture commitment during other times of the year?

The key, above all, is to be ruthless with yourself till these resolutions become habits and take on a life of its own.

You cannot let go the plane till you cruise to an appropriate altitude. Once you reach the optimal altitude, you can, then, go on an auto pilot mode.

What is your experience so far?